This is a very challenging time for almost everyone in the world. Covid-19 may even be the biggest challenge you have ever had to face. There are many roads for each of us to navigate during our lifetime, one of which is how to stay home when your partner is in your face. The thing to remember is you are in your partners face as well. As nice as you might think you are, you can still be a problem.

Here are some suggestions which you may consider when staying home together and your partner is constantly in your face.

• ONE: Do not stay in the same room as your partner for longer than 3 minutes unless you are wearing headphones. Both partners wearing headphones is optimal.

• TWO: Avoid any eye contact-save it for a special occasion, like an anniversary or the birth of your child.

• THREE: Play a game; pretend one of you is on night shift and the other on day shift. Act accordingly. Earplugs are essential.

• FOUR: If possible, create a 6-foot swath around your partner when you pass him or her. If it is not possible, close your eyes and mouth the entire Desiderata while your partner brushes past you.

• FIVE: Each person in the household should have their own designated bathroom. If this is not an option, get a bigger house. It’s a buyer’s market. Or go back to your parents’ house. That’s what it’s there for.

• SIX: Put a paper bag on your head if you are about to spew vitriol at your partner. Use two bags if you’re really pissed at him/her. “Why two bags you may ask?” “In case one breaks.” *  Another advantage of putting a paper bag on your head is that it provides the opportunity for you to make faces, roll your eyes and stick your tongue out. All of these actions are childish of course. Best your partner does not see how immature you can be.

• SEVEN: It is best not to talk to your partner while you are in quarantine together. What is there to talk about anyway? You already know everything you need to know about the person you live with. Maybe you already know more than you care to.

• EIGHT: If you have a moment of self-revelation or insight keep it to yourself. The last thing your partner wants to hear is what is going on inside your little head. They just want out.

• NINE: If you are trying to cope with your partner in your face and you have kids to boot, contact your kids’ teachers and ask if they can babysit. Or, if the kids are lucky enough to have grandparents, send them to grandma and grandpa’s house. Are you worried that the grandparents might be too vulnerable to look after your kids? Don’t be silly. Your parents have had a good run.

• TEN: Stop listening or reading about all the good things that are happening during this pandemic. Listening or reading about good things will only give you a bit of hope and what’s the point of that?

Seriously

Eat well, exercise, sleep (not too much), get a project going (anything) and when you feel an eruption of nastiness coming get your paper bag on.

Breathe consciously for 3-5 minutes regularly. Sit quietly. Close your eyes and focus your attention on your heart.

100 List… the cure **

Make a list of 100 things you love and appreciate about your partner.

Reminisce.

Take your time as this exercise cannot be done in a day. You may have weeks to complete this list.

DO NOT STOP UNTIL YOU HAVE 100 on the list.

Leave the 100 List on the kitchen table in his/her spot. Hide and peek around the corner and watch them read.

*The paper bag suggestion comes from a very old joke that goes something like this:

First person: “he/she is so ugly, they should put a bag on their head”. “Maybe two bags.”

Second person: “Why two bags?”

First person: “In case one breaks.”

** The 100 List practice was gifted to me by my daughter.

Julia Kopala

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Elvira is the second oldest of the original nine children in a Mennonite family from small-town Manitoba. She is a big woman with big wisdom. In my life, Elvira stands among the women I admire.

Her message feels like good advice to me and for all parents and grandparents of adult children. I struggle to wrap my mind around the complexities of this advice.

Pray

I was very religious and innocent when I was a small child. Apparently, I walked to church some eight blocks away by myself in the early morning. This was done before my family had risen. I wanted to talk to God.

The word pray is a tough one for me. Not that I don’t pray, I do, but not in the traditional religious sense. I get tense when I hear the word pray because it brings up my contentious religious history. The word pray sticks in my throat, I can’t swallow it and I can’t spit it out.

There were many reasons why I left the church when I was in my mid-20s, but mostly it was because I just didn’t want to be there anymore. I needed to find my own form of prayer.

Oh, I still have my off days when (apparently) I have said, “praying for someone else is a fucking waste of my time.”

If I can focus on the wonder of my own life instead of what could be wrong with the lives of my children or future grandchildren, I can truly love with no strings attached.

Love

I am so full of love that sometimes I wonder if it is love and not possessiveness or addiction or weakness. The older I get the better I understand what love could be.

Abraham-Hicks tells me I cannot love and worry about someone at the same time – these two energies are conflicting and cannot exist together. They go on to say that as a parent, you can’t make choices on behalf of your children without disempowering them.

If I am connected to my wisdom, I can love others without requiring something in return – without expecting them to change in order for me to feel better.

On my good days, I regularly acknowledge to my now adult children what they are doing right. I tell them I noticed how kind they were to someone, how well they did something, how glad I am that they are in my life. I aspire to release preconceived notion of who my children are because I only know part of them.

And so, I love.

Be Quiet

I don’t want to be quiet. I have lots to say. I have wisdom and experience.

And I want to protect my kids from anything that might hurt them physically, spiritually and or emotionally. I want to say “oh sweetheart, don’t do that because this could happen.”

I don’t want to live in fear of the future and I don’t want to put that onto my children whether young or old.

I forget that my active parenting is done. It is time to stop and realize that my adult children have already learned significant life lessons from me, both good and bad.

I remind myself regularly that if I am asked to share my perspective, it is just that, my perspective. Amid the desperate quest to always be the perfect parent I have come across this gem from Abraham-Hicks.

If you guide through anything other than your own example, it crosses over into the category of control. If you say, “This is what I’ve found that works for me, try it if you like.” That’s guidance.  (Abraham-Hicks link)

I aspire to absorb the magnitude and wisdom of these few little words: Pray, Love and be Quiet. This means a whole lot of listening before I open my mouth.

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Reiki I Couple Communication

Intended for couples in committed relationships.

 Stay tuned for upcoming dates. Edmonton, Alberta

 Maximum 4 couples

This workshop will encompass a certificate Reiki I introductory course plus basic communication skills. The focus of the course is to enhance existing relationships by fortifying techniques that are working and identifying areas that may benefit from a refocus. Basic communication techniques, as well as tips to manage challenging communication, will be offered.

Reiki instruction will take about 2/3 of the workshop time with communication skills introduced throughout. Partners will work with each other and there will also be the opportunity for voluntary group sharing. The course includes time for individual introspection.

Thursday, 6:30 to 9:30 PM

Friday, 6:30 to 10:00 PM

Saturday, 10:00 ro 4:00 PM

Sunday, 10:00 to 3:00 PM

This Reiki I Couple Communication Workshop can serve both partners in all areas of day-to-day activities long after the workshop ends.

If you are open to energy work and want to enhance your existing relationship, see more information and to register:

https://juliakopala.ca/reiki/

https://juliakopala.ca/blog/reiki-benefits/

jmkopala@gmail

This course is not intended as therapy.

$400 per couple

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Here are some upcoming Reiki Workshops you may want to consider:

Reiki I, Introduction to Reiki: See below. Stay tuned for the next workshop.

Reiki I with Communication Techniques for Couples: Stay tuned for the next workshop. For more information see https://juliakopala.ca/blog/reiki-i-couple-communication/

Reiki II, Distance Healing: February 2 and 9, 2019

See Reiki Benefits at www.juliakopala.ca/blog/reiki-benefits/

REIKI LEVEL I 

THREE-DAY WORKSHOP

Introductory Reiki: Stay tuned for the next workshop.

Thursday  7:00 PM to 9:30 PM

Friday   7:00 PM to 9:30 PM

Saturday  10:00 AM to 4:30 PM

Fee: $150.00

Location: Edmonton, AB

780-916-3134  www.juliakopala.ca

 Refresher course for former students $50.00.

Reiki is an ancient healing modality which originated in Tibet and was rediscovered in Japan by Dr. Mikao Usui (1865-1926) in the late 1800s. Reiki is healing with the hands or a laying of hands on yourself or on others. This is a very simple, safe practice that can heal physically, spiritually and emotionally. Reiki takes you to a place of gentle relaxation and moves you towards peace and wholeness. It is an excellent practice to combine with other modalities.

Julia Kopala

Reiki Master

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Learn the benefits of Reiki, an ancient hands-on healing practice.

* Reiki is considered to be one of the simplest forms of energy work. It is easy to learn and easy to remember.

* According to Reiki teachings, this practice addresses the root cause of mental, physical and spiritual concerns.

* Reiki is a spiritual practice, not a religious practice. It is complementary to most belief systems.

* There is no body manipulation in traditional Reiki. This practice is non-invasive where the client remains fully clothed.

*  Reiki can be done on oneself or on others for as little as 10 minutes or longer.

* Reiki helps us move out of our head and into our body.

* There is no “dark” energy with Reiki. When practicing Reiki, you are working with pure, positive, protective energy.

* All healing comes from a higher power. As a practitioner, you will learn how to facilitate or channel Reiki spiritual energy

* Reiki works even if you are skeptical.

* The minimum effect we receive from giving and receiving Reiki is that of relaxation. Many clients report an increase in their overall well-being.

* Reiki can enhance our sleep.

* The practice of Reiki gives us something to do while visiting a loved one in the hospital. Reiki either speeds up the healing process or helps one transition into the nonphysical world.

* Once we are attuned to Reiki, we have the skill for life.

* Reiki is felt in the body and is considered to be a tangible connection to the Spirit world.

* The practice of Reiki brings us peace and wholeness. It is considered to be our contribution to world peace.

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What would teenagers say to their parents if they could?

This question was asked of drama and religion students at Archbishop O’Leary High School in Edmonton 37 years ago.

Their responses became the bases for our original Christmas drama production in 1980 called I am Your Child. I was their drama teacher.

Here is what they had to say:

* Mom and dad, I wish I could tell you how much it means to me to have you there. Not necessarily saying or doing anything but just to know you’re there doing your best for me. It gives me a nice feeling.

*I fear you both sometimes. Whenever I talk around the house I get shit for it. That is why I am so quiet at home and that is why I am only home to sleep.

*I’d like to say how glad I am that our family isn’t like everyone else’s. I feel very comfortable and secure at home. I can talk to my mother about almost everything. When I go somewhere, or to someone else’s house I can’t wait to get home because I feel most comfortable there.

*I know everyone loves each other but I don’t understand why we all fight. Dad you never take me anywhere. Once when I was seven or eight, you took me fishing and that was it. You never took me anywhere else. Maybe because you were too busy. Now I’m with my friends all the time and I have my own things to do so I wish it could have been different. I do love you both.

*My home life is very satisfactory. My parents try to give me the chance to do anything I choose. I am not by any means deprived. My parents show their affection to all of us. We are a pretty close family. I wouldn’t change a thing.

 *I’d make my dad not work so hard, so he won’t have another heart attack and I’ll be able to get to know him before he leaves the earth. I’d wished my parents respected each other… They’re divorced.

*I wish you wouldn’t place the negative a step ahead of the positive when I come home and have some wonderful news and you’re really the only one I’d like to share it with. You turn around and give me shit for not cleaning up my room or the kitchen before I even have a chance to say a word. The happy world I was living in a few seconds ago was suddenly crushed. The news doesn’t feel so wonderful anymore.

*Why can’t anyone in this family say I’m sorry?

*Do you really love me?

*I hate the way you treat me like a robot, like I have no feelings or opinions.

*Why does everyone in this family have to fight? Why can’t things be different?

*If I could change my parents, I would have to make them younger so they wouldn’t die. I am very proud of you and I’m lucky to have you for parents. I love you both.

*Let me live my own life. Let me take the consequences of the things I do instead of telling me right from wrong. Trust in the things I do.

* Why can’t I tell you my problems? It is not as if you don’t care. It’s not… I just don’t know why.

*I consider my home life satisfactory because my parents are fairly strict which I think helps, plus they are understanding.

*I would not try to change my parents because I have respect for who they are. Who am I to change my parents?

*Dad, for a guy that is somewhat intelligent, you sure do some stupid things.

*I understand you’re scared to get hurt again… but mom, I’m tired and I’ll run out of ways to show you I won’t disappoint you.

*We’re finished, we have been for a long time. I want to leave you; I don’t want to become like you.

*You don’t want me to get hurt but let me make mistakes. That’s the only way I can grow up. I want to get hurt.

*I wish you would make yourself more approachable. I have a lot of questions and ideas I’d like you to hear, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable when you answer.

Blessings to you and yours

*Inspired by Barry Manilow and Marty Paner’s song I am Your Child

See YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6BF2TSXKEg

I am Your Child Lyrics

I am your child
Wherever you go
You take me too
Whatever I know
I learned from you

Whatever I do
You taught me to do
I am your child
And I am your chance

Whatever will come
Will come from me
Tomorrow is won
By winning me

Whatever I am
You taught me to be
I am your hope
I am your chance
I am your child

Whatever I am
You taught me to be
I am your hope
I am your chance
I am your child

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Whiplash, the Academy Award-winning movie about a young jazz student at Juilliard, had it all wrong. The premise was that the teacher could get more out of his students by bullying, intimidating, inciting fear and mistrust and generally keeping his students stressed and emotionally destabilized. And he succeeded. Only in Hollywood.The premise made for a riveting movie but terrible psychology.

Turns out stress is exactly the opposite of what students need if they are going to learn, perform optimally and be creative. Neuroscience has well-documented our learning process. That part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) responsible for rational thinking, creativity and learning shuts down whenever we feel stressed or threatened. The amygdala senses that we have more important things to attend to (survival) and reacts instinctively by flooding our bloodstream with adrenaline and other hormones needed for a fight or flight response.

In other words, we learn best when we feel safe and supported. Neuroscience teaches us that optimum learning happens only in a stress-free environment that is stimulating but not intimidating, challenging but not threatening, where success is recognized but failure is not censored or shamed, where the child feels self-contained, in control and socially engaged.

Easier said than done. How does the school system which straddles the pressures of academic performance and reduced funding on one hand and family systems, learning styles, challenging behaviours and social dynamics on the other, create a stress-free environment supportive to optimal learning?

It can happen. Recently, right here in Edmonton, a classroom-based credit course to address this need was researched and implemented at Archbishop MacDonald School. It ran from 1999 to 2007.

Julia Kopala, the developer and director of the program, was a high school guidance counsellor with a deep interest in holistic health practices. The course, called Complementary Health, included introducing holistic health practices of breath work, yoga, brain gym, aromatherapy, acupuncture, positive self-talk, dancing, chair massage, therapeutic touch, Qigong, native spirituality, and reiki.

The results were striking. Through these practices, students learned mental and physical habits that supported positive self-talk, healthy self-esteem, mindfulness, and a heightened trust in their ability to access peace, contentment and happiness in all areas of life.

Stress went down. Academic performance and a general sense of well-being went up. Kopala has written a book about the program, When Heaven Comes … Into the Classroom, with suggestions for teachers, educators and anyone interested in optimizing their quality of life.

But still, we have oversized classes, underfunded programs, constant texting and behavioural challenges. What can a teacher do in such a pressure-cooker environment?

“If you can only implement one practice into the classroom—and your life—to reduce student stress, it is breath work. It only takes three minutes and it will instantly change the energy in the classroom—as well as provide long-term benefits for yourself and the students,” said Kopala.

“Breath work is simple but profoundly transformative. Everyone should be doing it throughout the day.”

Of course, saying breath work is simple doesn’t mean it is easy. It is work, after all. It involves creating time and space so that you can be attentive to your breathing: slowing it down, feeling it move in and out, noticing how this feels in the rest of your body.

Which brings us to the most important point. Everyone can and should be doing these practices, especially parents. Modelling mindfulness will not only prepare the child for school but also make for a more relaxed home environment.

Add to this other supportive practices like greeting your child at the door with a hug and then creating time and space for attentive, non-judgemental listening—with eye contact. (Yes, this involves shutting down electronic interference for five to 10 minutes. Yikes!)

All of these practices might be lumped into some old-fashioned, pre-Wi-Fi concepts like affection or acceptance, but it seems we can never focus enough on the basics. The desired outcome is not simply that a child score well at school, but that they perform well at life.

It is worth the effort.

Buy When Heaven Comes … Into the Classroom here

Or Ebook here 

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How many of us would take a chance on purpose and maybe feel a bit silly  in order to feel better? What if I could guarantee that you would feel better if you did the energy exercise I am about to describe?

I am a holistic health educational consultant. I teach about and work with a healing energy called chi (pronounced chee). Are you still with me? For those of you who are wary about this woo-woo, non-scientific, centuries old reference to healing energy, please relax. This exercise will not hurt you. In fact, it will most likely help you feel better.

Are you one of those people who feel good enough already? Guess what. You can feel even better than you do right now if you do the following energy exercise.

Before we begin, give yourself a number from 1-10 on an imaginary feel good chart, 10 being you are at the top of your game. Got your number? Now follow the directions below.

1.  Stand in horse riding position (feet shoulder width apart with knees slightly bent, like you are sitting on a horse).

2.  Begin an easy knee bounce with your feet in constant contact with the floor.

3.  Comfortably twist your torso to the left and then to the right in a continuous motion. Allow the arms to swing.

4.  Start snapping your fingers while continuing your bouncing and twisting motion.

5.  Inhale naturally and let the exhale come with an “sss” sound, like the sound of a sizzling kettle.

6.  Allow your tongue to rest at the front of the mouth with your teeth slightly apart. Continuous bouncing will allow your breath to come out in short bursts of air.

7.  Bounce, twist, snap and sizzle for 1 minute. Pause.

8.  Do a simple wipe down; using your hands smooth the air above and around your body in a downward motion.

9.  Take a moment to go inside by closing your eyes and following your breath. Ask yourself what number you are at on your feel good chart.

10. Have a sip of water.

What number are you now?

Smiling is optional.

Note: there are many energy healing exercises to choose from on line. Check out Bill Farr (The Art of Unity)

@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MSHOulBZNs

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Emotional pain is a bit of a conundrum to me

I want to be happy all the time. My world feels nice and I like feeling nice. Perhaps I have a sense of entitlement.

Some of us carry an emotional pain so heavy that we lose weight, are unable to laugh for months and can hardly wait for sleep to come. Emotional pain is not fair and can be incredibly difficult and mean spirited and soul-smashing.

Is emotional pain supposed to teach us some big lesson in life? Are we supposed to bow down to some unforeseen force and say… what? “I am sorry” or “ I don’t deserve this”, or “ Fuck you”?

I have processed enough emotional pain in my life and I think I have paid my dues. And yet sometimes I fear that I am not yet done. One thing I do know is that softening emotional pain is a learned skill, one that I will share with you later, but first, a story.

I told my friend the other day that I was not afraid of emotional pain. I lied. 

She is a long time friend, and spiritual collaborator. It took a nano second for us to be immersed in a deep connection from the very start. This day, we were on a ride back to the city from the airport. My friend had just returned from the coast to visit her adult sons, one of them critically ill. Although she was not able to give words to her story, we both knew it would unfold, as it should. This brief interchange on a painful topic about our children triggered a memory.

After an emergency caesarean section I was barely awake as I lay on the table. I felt a presence behind me. The doctor cupped his hands on both sides of my head, leaned forward, and whispered these words into my ear: “ We are not going to give you a baby to take home today”. And then he said something like, “He is a beautiful baby, nicely formed. He didn’t make it.”

I was running away when I lied to my friend. Running from pain never works. Sooner or later the pain resurfaces in some form or other; anger, unexplained sadness, anxiety, depression, addictions… This is no way to live. I remind myself that every “dark night of the soul” I have come through, has changed me for the better: to be softer, kinder, more present.

Some words from Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, about healing emotional pain:

If you feel irritation or depression or despair, recognize their presence and practice this mantra: “Dear one, I am here for you.” You should talk to your depression or your anger just as you would a child. You embrace it tenderly with the energy of mindfulness and say, “Dear one, I know you are there and I am going to take care of you ,” just as you would a small crying baby. (You Are Here, Boston:Shambhala Publications Inc. 2001, 4-5)

Learn more about Thich Nhat Hanh at http://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/biography/

Photo credit: Copyright: <a href=’http://www.123rf.com/profile_jiravan’>jiravan / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

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Sometimes I take an emotional dip around Christmas time.

I have made a list of how I have, over the years, managed to dig myself into a hole around the holiday season.

You might as well make your family and friends miserable too. No point in putting up with their cheery attitude.

Study this list. There is something here for everyone.

Follow these Christmas blah tips before and after the season

* Go off your regular sleeping schedule. Get more sleep or get less sleep. Either way you won’t feel the same.

* Over eat. It is rude not to do so.

* Staying home during the season is an interesting option. This way you can spend time thinking about why you don’t feel as good as you would like. Allow your reflections to turn into self-indulgence. This is the key.

* Running from one social event to the next is the norm. That way you won’t disappoint anyone because you will meet every obligation. You’ve only got one life. Use it up!

* Exercising less. This is the time to kick back. So what if your body produces natural anti-depressants when you exercise. You can get a high on something else.

* Keep your gaze downward when you are walking. That way you can lock in those special feelings and you might even find a quarter.

* Expect your partner to read your mind. He or she should know that you are at the end of your rope while you hurl the pots and soufflés around the kitchen with steam coming out of your ears. If you do this right, you can stay angry for days!

* Moping around is normal. This is life. Get used to it.

* Stay in your housecoat for several days if you can. Do not answer the phone even though you may wonder where your friends are and why nobody talks to you anymore.

* Each morning make a mental list of everything that is not quite right in your entire life. If you feel a smile creeping on, review your list. Seriously.

* Ignore the person sitting at the breakfast table with you. Read the newspaper instead. After all, you will most likely be able to catch up with him/her later and the news is, well, the news. Better yet, do some texting so you can connect with your friends.

* Blaming is a fruitful practice. One can always fine-tune this skill over the holiday. There are plenty of opportunities, especially on the home front. If you feel crappy, maybe it is someone else’s fault. I especially like blaming my partner for me being tired.

* Hang overs are recommended. That way you can remind every cell in your body that your life really does suck.

* Do not, I repeat do not, look at the sky or the trees. And never sit in a sunbeam. This will just make you want to cry.

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